I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
