dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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