Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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