he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
