I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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