apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
