That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
