so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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