my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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