3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
