Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
