Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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