It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Found your dick twin last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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