pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
