Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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