Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
