We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
