i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
