I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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