i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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