there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
