be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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