we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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