new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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