period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
