I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
