sarcasm needs its own font
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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