Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
