3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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