I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
