new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Alive.
So much puke
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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