three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
