I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
