i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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