Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
