you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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