my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
