Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
