I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
