I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
