Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize