I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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