I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Text me some of your sweat
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
