ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
