i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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