I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
