"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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