i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
