Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Green mimosas i think yes
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize