I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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