I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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