Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize