I puked a lego.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
