Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize