she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
