all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
