just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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