I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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