This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
