so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
