My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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